JXHQ: Drinks
by Mrs.Volterra
Summary: JokerXHarley oneshot- The Joker visits Harvey Dent, aka Two-Face, for some quality time with his friend, and they end up talking about their women, Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy. Drinks are served, secrets come out, and the ladies themselves make an appearance as well!


**AN: This is a fanfic where the Joker and Two-Face chill and talk about their women. I always liked the idea of the Joker and Two-Face being buddies, and occasionally hanging out. I also ship Harvey with Poison Ivy, so I wanted to put that in here. This isn't fluff, per say, but the Joker is more honest with Harvey in this story.**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing, probably never will. The Batman universe belongs to DC.**

**I hope you enjoy it! Please read and review(:**

"Oooh, baby!" A busty redhead moaned beneath a disfigured man as he thrust into her quickly, and both panted heavily.

"You like that, girl?" Two-Face growled, going faster and harder. She answered in a whine, bringing her hands up to squeeze her breasts. "I'll take that as a yes." He laughed.

The former District Attorney of Gotham instantly stopped laughing as someone began pounding on the door. He climbed off the woman, who looked frightened, and pulled on his two-toned silk robe. He quietly slid open a drawer in his dresser, grasping a gun in each hand. "Don't make a sound." He hissed, and she nodded, face flushed. He crept out of the room, holding the guns up in front of him.

"Not going to answer?" A familiar voice asked, dark with mirth. "It'd be a shame to knock down this fancy door, really…"

Two-Face let out a sigh, shaking his head as he approached the door, then opened it.

He was greeted with the sight of a tall, lanky figure, shrouded in shadows. All he could make out was a scarlet mouth pulled up into a wicked grin, and a pair of bright, emerald eyes that gleamed with malice. Slowly, his visitor slipped out of the darkness, revealing the rest of the Joker, with his vibrant purple suit, his marble white skin, and tousled green locks. The Clown Prince of Crime rushed past Harvey, into his apartment, but stopped abruptly at seeing the prostitute. She was still naked and looked absolutely terrified.

"I didn't know you had company!" He shrieked, covering his eyes like a child. "Harley'll chop my balls off for looking at another woman!" Then he paused, straightening up. "Eh, who cares what that dumb broad thinks, anyways." He chuckled. "Hi, I'm the Joker. Nice to meetcha." He stuck out a pale hand, looking miffed when the auburn-haired beauty didn't respond.

Harvey swore. "Goddammit… Shelley, go put something on." The poor woman obeyed, shuffling back into his room as she searched for her clothes. "J, what are you doing here?" He hissed, still holding the guns in his clenched fists.

The Joker plopped onto the sofa, inspecting his nails. "Why, did I come at a bad time?"

"I was just having sex and you come barging in here!" He shouted.

"Woah, woah. Stop waving your arms around! And by arms, I mean those pretty weapons you're holding. I plan on leaving your place in one piece." The madman laughed.

His friend just stared at him for a moment. "Nothing you said made sense or was funny."

He looked hurt, crossing long arms over his thin frame and pouting. "Don't make me cry, Harv. Otherwise I'll have to go on another killing spree just to boost my self-esteem."

Shelley emerged with little to cover the goods. She was glaring at Two-Face as she marched to him, holding her purse in one hand. She held out the other hand expectantly.

"I'm sorry, Shelley, jeez! I didn't know he was coming over!" He shoved a wad of bills at her.

As the gorgeous woman reached the door, she turned and spat at her customer, "And my name is Jessica, you bastard!" She slammed the door, shaking the room.

The Joker raised his eyebrows and let out a long whistle. "Women these days. So emotional, huh?"

Harvey flung his guns on the table and went to the kitchen, then returned with two glasses and bourbon in hand. He took a seat next to his friend and started pouring. "You have no idea."

"You think you have it bad with the ladies? Please. I've got a dame so infatuated with me that won't give me an ounce of breathing room. And she's obsessed with sex." He sipped his drink and brightened considerably. "God, Harv, I swear this stuff is liquid gold!"

Two-Face laughed. "Glad you like it. And most guys would love to have a girl like Harley. I don't know why you complaint 'bout her so much."

"Nothing is ever enough for her. She's off on one of her little missions again, to get me to treat her better." He began to mimic his little sidekick. "Mistah J, you're an undeserving jerk and I'm tired of bein' pushed around. I'm going to Ivy's!" He snorted. "I hate the Weed-Lady."

He saw Harvey's despondent look. "Oh, sorry. Forgot you had a thing for the Plant."

"I hate her, too, J. She used me, more than once." The villain growled. "That bitch doesn't care about anyone. Should've known it was just sex to her."

The green-haired man patted his back. "That's why you invited Jasmine over, right? Because of the Weed?"

A wry chuckle. "What can I say? I have a thing for redheads."

The Joker nodded. "I have a thing for short, blonde psychiatrists whose minds I've broken." He noticed the stare he was getting. "What?" He snapped. "They're downright adorable."

"O…kay. Want more?" Harvey asked, indicating the bourbon.

"Am I a homicidal maniac who dresses like a clown and spends his life coming up with schemes to thwart a man who pretends to be a bat?"

In response, Harvey poured more.

"Exactly. So, problems with the girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend!" Two-Face snarled.

"Well then, what is she to you?"

"We hook up occasionally, that's all."

The pasty clown held up a finger. "Ah! It's more than that though." He downed the rest of the alcohol and helped himself to more. "You care about her. Otherwise you wouldn't get so jealous when she's with other men. Or at the mere mention of her, methinks."

"You have a point." The previous DA admitted. "What's the secret to staying together? For more than a night or two. I mean, you and Harley have been with each other for about seven years, right?"

His eyes shot open. "Goodness, has it really been that long with the brat?" The glass was emptied, then refilled. "It's a wonder I haven't gone insane!" He burst into fits of laughter.

Harvey rolled his eyes and wrenched the bottle from the Joker's hands.

xxx

"And she says, 'Mistah J, they really got screwed!', then we went home and she gave me the best blowjob of my life!" He howled with laughter as he recounted a hardware store job, and Two-Face joined in.

"You know, J, there ain't too many who wouldn't wanna piece of your cute little sidekick. I mean, I would never actually do it, because she's your girl, but damn. I'll admit, I certainly wouldn't refuse a ride on your Harley!"

The Joker fell silent as he stared at his fellow villain. His lip curled. "Don't talk about her like that."

"Like what? Jeez, J, I'm just sayin', you have a lovely lookin' woman."

The clown was at his throat in a second, glaring as his grip tightened. "I'm sorry, did I stutter? _Don't_ talk about Harley like that. She's mine, get it? Mine-uh. Not yours, or anybody else's." He snarled into his ear, breath smelling of booze. He let go and leaned back on the sofa, a grin returning to his white face. But there was a dark glint in his eyes that did not go unnoted. "Now, what were we talking about?"

Harvey massaged his neck. "You know, J, they may say you're heartless, but I can't help but think that you really do love her."

"Love?" He scoffed. "I don't care about, let alone love anybody. And besides, if I gave a crap about someone, it wouldn't be that useless, ungrateful, stupid brat."

"Well, for as much as she loves you, I would hope you return at least a tiny bit of it."

"She's a good kid. She's crazy, but she's smart and thinks on her toes." He smiled slightly. "She's cute as a button. Like you said, Harv." He gave a sigh, his shoulders sagging as he did so. His voice came out in a low whisper. "But sometimes, I'm afraid her cuteness is gonna take her away for good."

"What do you mean, J?" Harvey asked, puzzled and caught off guard by the sudden mood swing. He leaned forward.

"Look at her. Tiny little blonde gal, with a damn near perfect body, lemme tell you. She's got this soft, round face, and when she blushes… oh God, Harv, it's so cute! Her smile is so beautiful. And then those eyes. Big, bright baby blues. She looks at me with them all wide and innocent, and BAM! I give her whatever she wants. 'Course, it's usually with a slap for making me do what she asks." He chuckled. "And then there's me. I fell into a vat of acid and my skin is permanently bleached white, I get hair that's the color of grass, and my lips are _red_. I look like I got ahold of Mommy's lipstick! I dress up as a clown. Jesus. So then you've got the modernized, insane version of Beauty and the Beast. See what I'm saying?" He licked his lips. "One day, she'll get sick of me. She'll wake up and be normal again, and will leave me in a heartbeat."

Harvey felt his heart twist at the Joker's words. The liquor had obviously loosened the criminal mastermind's tongue, making him spill some secrets. He really did care about Harley, and was afraid of losing her.

"J… You give her much less credit than she deserves. You think it's a phase? For one thing, insanity isn't like exploring your sexuality or becoming a vegetarian. She ain't turning normal. No matter what the doctors try to do. And for another, seven years is a damn long time to be in a phase. I don't care what you say, I think you're stuck with her."

The Joker smiled once more. "I guess I can handle her sticking around for a bit longer. The dame grows on you. I've gotten accustomed to her being with me."

It was Harvey's turn to pat his friend on the back. "Man, just hang in there. She won't be with Pammie for too long."

All he got in response was a snore.

xxx

The two criminals awoke to the sound of a gunshot and a shout. Disoriented, they both attempted to get up, but collapsed back onto the sofa as sharp pain stabbed the inside of their skulls.

"Jesus Christ." Harvey groaned, holding his head in his hands. "What the fuck?" He looked up and his jaw dropped.

There was a short, blonde woman standing in the doorway holding a smoking gun in her hand. A tall, statuesque redhead stood behind her. Both glared menacingly at the pair on the couch. The one in the two-toned harlequin suit marched in, blue eyes flashing. The one covered by leaves slunk in after her smaller companion.

"I said, where's Mistah J?"

"I'm right here, Pooh!" The Joker called, laughing despite his headache. "And don't shout so loudly."

Harley Quinn walked briskly to the couch, but made a face at Harvey. "Cover yourself, would ya?" She sneered at him, disgust evident in her voice. Glancing down, he realized his robe had drifted open. The unmarred half of his face turned crimson as he heard Ivy's unrestrained laugh. Harley giggled. "Honestly, I don't know what Red's been talking about this whole time. That's nothing compared to Mistah J." The beautiful auburn-haired woman instantly shut up and her face turned sour. Harvey felt a little bit better.

"Harley!" She hissed.

The blonde looked taken aback. "What? I thought you said it was the nicest-"

Poison Ivy had shot over to muffle her best friend's words. "Now I see what you mean about her talking too much, clown."

The Joker grinned. "Harley, baby, we all know Daddy's a large guy. But don't embarrass the Weed or Harv like that!"

Harley squeaked, gazing at him in adoration. But her expression immediately hardened. "Where were you, Mistah J?"

"Ummm… pretty obvious, isn't it, Harls?" He sighed when he saw her confusion. "I was bored and came to hand out with ole Harvey here. We had a few drinks and I can't really remember the rest." He looked at Harvey. "Did I do something bad?"

Two-Face groaned in relief. The clown didn't remember anything he had done. He had been afraid he would end up dead after the homicidal maniac had spilled his guts on his true feelings for his girlfriend. "No, J, we fell asleep,"

"Oh, good. I really couldn't take on Batsy in my condition. I'm feeling rather tired, actually. Let's go home, baby." He glanced at Harley suspiciously. "Unless you're still mad at me. Which I hope not, because I can't tend to this hangover myself, you know."

Harley smiled gently and smoothed his green locks back. "Aw, does Daddy need his little girl to take care of him?" She cooed.

"C'mon, kiddo." He got up and patted Harvey's head condescendingly. "Thanks for the drink, Harv. I'll be back, sooner or later." He winked and strode towards the door before turning. "Hurry up, you stupid girl!" The Joker shouted, and she skipped over to him.

"Sorry, Puddin'!" She said, going on her tippy toes to kiss his cheek. He pushed her away.

"Insatiable…" He muttered.

Harvey and Ivy watched the clown couple leave, the latter with her fists clenched. Harvey touched her shoulder. "It's okay." He murmured.

"No, it's not! He treats her horribly and she always goes running back!"

He turned to face her. She met his gaze and sighed. "Pammie, I know you think he doesn't care about her. I used to think so, too. But after tonight…"

Her brow furrowed and she had a puzzled look. "What happened?"

"I can't say. Who knows, maybe I just hallucinated the whole thing. But I think he really loves her, in his own, twisted way." Harvey drew closer to the former botanist's beautiful face. "And it made me think about us, Pammie."

She didn't pull away, in fact, leaned in further. "What about us, Harvey?"

He took a deep breath. "I want to give it another go. I care about you, Pammie, I really do." He closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against hers firmly. For a moment, she stayed still, but then gave in and began kissing him back, passionately.

"You're such a good kisser, Harvey," Ivy gasped and began to undo the knot on his robe. He ran his hands along her body as he pulled her to the couch.

"Red! Harvey! What are you doing?" A high-pitched screech startled them, as they looked at the doorway to see a cackling Joker and frightened Harley.

"Well, when a man and a woman-" The Joker began, smirking, before Ivy cut him off.

"Harley! What are you doing here?"

"Mistah J forgot something of his, so we came up to get it!" Her bewildered look turned furious. "Are you using protection? Did he put on a condom?"

"Oh my God…" Harvey moaned.

Poison Ivy was even more outraged, as she laid under Harvey. "Are you preaching to me about safe sex? Seriously?"

"Mistah J and I are none of your business!"

The Joker stopped laughing. "Oh, Plant-Lady, we merely wish to ensure you won't make a mistake you'll surely regret. Can't have little half mutilated weeds running around, can we?"

"What'd you forget, J?" Two-Face asked, trying to get the clown and his girlfriend out as quickly as possible.

"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to see if you gave into the sexual tension. And boy, you did!"

"Puddin'!" Harley scolded, smacking his arm. "That is so rude! Don't you remember how it felt to be interrupted by Bats that one time?"

The howls of laughter returned. "Oh, God, how could I forget? The look on his face? Priceless!"

"Could you just go now, please?"

The Joker nodded. "Let's get out of here, Harls. Maybe I can show you what they're doing at home." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, prompting the blonde to blush and giggle.

"Oooh, Mistah J!"

"And we wouldn't want to keep Pammie from getting her garden watered! Can't imagine how long it's been for her…"

"Well, Puddin', last I heard it was 'bout 5 inches!" Poison Ivy cringed at the joke as the hysterical laughing started up again.

"Good one, baby! Daddy'll definitely have to reward his little girl when he gets home." This time Harvey shivered in disgust.

"Well, now that they're gone…" Pamela murmured, not meeting her lover's gaze.

Harvey responded by kissing her wildly as he pushed her into the cushions. "Let's get back to it, Pammie."

**AN: Whew! I'm done! That went much longer than I expected. That was the most I've ever written for a one-shot. I didn't really plan on throwing Poison Ivy and Harley in there. But of course Harley would go searching for her man after being away from him for so long. And it's not like Red could stop her!**

**Anyways, this is my first time writing Pammie and Harvey. I think they're such a funny couple. Really, all they do is hook up, and honestly, I don't think they are compatible. But still, it's always so fun to put real characters together. I don't really like OCs, unless they are written perfectly. But I get how some characters don't have a match in their universe. So us crazy writers make one up. Like Jonathan Crane. Oh, I love putting him and Harley together, but she'll always end up with the Joker(:**

**Did you like it? I really hope you did. But I guess the only way for me to know is if… You guessed it! REVIEW333 Yayyyy!**

**ALSO. The little story about the hardware store heist and blowjob is an actual story I wrote. So yeah. Go read it if sex and stuff doesn't disturb you. Heh.**

**Thanks, as always, and if you want, check out my profile for more JokerXHarley stories. I just started my Harley Quinn origin story.**


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